Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
