Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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