True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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