you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
