He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
