I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
