I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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