Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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