he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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