the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We are two peas in an std pod
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
