I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
