I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
