Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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