Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
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i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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