Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
