If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
