watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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