Who wears a wallet chain?!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
