Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
