I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
sarcasm needs its own font
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
