Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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