I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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