i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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