how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
