Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
