ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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