Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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