saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
do herpes really smell.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
