Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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