I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
