dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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