We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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