I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
