You just made me feel so damn special
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
