I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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