my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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