i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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