So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
