I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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