yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I cut my penus on the lid.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
