I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
