you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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