You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
