I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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