My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
