went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
