Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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