i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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