we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you didnt know i had herpes?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
