I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
