just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
