oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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