is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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