I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
