After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
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He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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