tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
