I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
