he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We had sex on a dog bed..
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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