The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
How's work?
Spinning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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