i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
