What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
